I just can’t do it anymore for you.
Through the hell that he has put her through, the betrayal and emotional infidelity over the years he has never truly ever learnt. Maybe it was her constant reminding of his failures, mistakes that caused him to fall again and react in anger to hurt like he hurt so that they could both be broken and mended in time. Maybe it was everything and nothing at all. Maybe it was him. It probably was. He isn’t Superman, he’s more like Hulk without the height and green. As headstrong and emotionless he makes himself out to be, his lives in his failures again and again and again and again and again. The feelings of anguish at his failure to never get his head around and make things better. For him, for them, for her. Yes, for her.
All the Hulk wants to be is understood.
Nobody would ever care to ask and truly care to know how he feels, how he is and what he is going through. No one would ever understand. The Hulk will be never let them into his thoughts for he fears they see his weakness and prey upon them. His curse and the personal pain in which he deals. He sought to figure it out after his last misdemeanor caused all the frayed ends of his badly broken and frayed and taped back relationship to splinter in the different directions. He told no one. He sat alone, filled his days with mindless activities. Put on his game face and stood strong while deep in his heart he wanted nothing more than to say “Take me home babe. Take me where we used to be’. His fear of committing another crime which would just crush her again he knew. He said again and again, ‘I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t want us to just explode and fall back into the cycle game of you bastard you did this to me’. While he stopped smoking his tears away, she did the opposite. While he curled up like a fetus cold and sought for an answer she tried to hold up her hand and say ‘let’s try this again’. He’s afraid and he failed. Hulk no like this feeling. Pain. It make Hulk weak. Hulk wrong again. Hulk make you cry. Hulk fail. Hulk bad man. Hulk smash Betty heart again. Hulk run away so Betty will never feel pain again.
This knife is yours, I handed it to you to end the anguish
Little did he know that she was there holding all the splinters she gathered and found when they broke and tried to mend it. She couldn’t do it herself. Her fingers bleeding from the very splinters that pierced her when she placed them in her hand as she showed and offered to fix them back again. She needed him to find the others and then they could start trying to tape, glue, paint, stick and make them whole again. All it needed was so simple. Yet he blindly and egoistically refused for he had not ‘found himself’ or ‘soul searched’ deep enough. Talk about masochism. Fuck you. He looked at some of the things she had returned to him and his tears would fall. “These are the things you gave me before you left. I wish it was like before. You gave me heaven and you left me in hell when you came home.” He had betrayed her. Emotionally drained her like he had when they first met. As he cleared his cupboard, he held some of her clothes close and could still smell her skin on its fabric. It may have been imaginary but he felt it. And sometimes a feeling is all you need. Still in all his Hulk glory, Hulk think this better this way. Hulk cry but you no see. He wishes that he had handed her a knife and his heart that ended his dream but what it truly was, was it was HE who took that very knife and stabbed her heart as she offered it out to him .
The signs were always there but you never saw them.
She said, “I know it’s random. I know it may be too late. But if you ever sing for me again, sing me ‘You’ve got some growing up to do’…” These very words left him with tears as he drove to his destination and put his phone away. He knew that she was starting to smile. And it had nothing to do with him. He started to question his little ‘find yourself’ trip and yet nothing came to him. Maybe they had but he was probably too dense to grasp it. I mean, he had been stalking her on a daily basis to see how she was doing and if she was alright. How could he not care for her? He now remembers how he took a random drive on a hot Saturday and just drove not knowing where he would go for a few hours. And as sweat dripped down his brow as he stood looking outside his car to the hills and beyond, he spoke under his breath, “This would have been perfect if you were here. You and I. No plans. Just a random drive in the hot afternoon to nowhere. It could have been heaven” but he never told her. Hulk would never allow it.
You’re everything! You’re everything to me.
The clouds cleared at a time where it seemed impossible as he took to the stage and she was among the crowd to support him. He had instinctively stumbled across the small stage that barely fit his band and walked to her and looked her right in her eye and sang ‘I live and I die for you, I’d steal the sun from the skies for you. I’ll be there for you’ as he pushed her hair behind her ear. At that moment he held a tear back as he continued the song. His felt a wave of emotion so strong that very moment that his heart stopped and skipped two beats and he knew it meant something. He knew it. Yet he waited foolishly and thoughtlessly. For he knew what he feared all along that in those months apart, that if he had ever once looked into her brown eyes, he would break apart and weep for he had betrayed her even though she had loved him selflessly and unconditionally. He would have broken his will and begged her for forgiveness. He knew right there that he would have disassociated and disconnected the world for her. For she was the one. She enabled him… and he burnt her, the bastard he is.
Everything is hollow. Time changes the names on the book of our lives.
The day came where she stopped looking at him. She had finally moved on after the countless calls and tears he never saw. And now, right in his forthcoming moments of clarity and how he wants to save her. In his stupid selfish Fulk way. Huck you. Now the one phone call you long for never comes again. And when it rings with her name it is for clarification of further betrayal. It wouldn’t matter to her anymore that he’s crying himself to sleep. That he’s crying in the car as drives drive home in sweaty clothes. That he cried as he slammed the sledgehammer against the truck tire for the hundredth time at his failure to see beyond his egotistically blind Hulk. That he cried and pulled back at his hair and punched a hole in his broken cupboard. That he cried and left bloodstains on his ice box as he punched ice for an excuse. Because he knows now how much she meant to him. She had cried much more while she waited, in the busy train, in the midst of crowds, to sleep, while she walked alone and much more and he painfully knows the needle and the damage done. She was his life. She was literally his life and what made him normal, what made him function. He wants her to be his life. She was what made him in so many ways Bruce Banner: human being. So how does he live without the one he loves? She told him that “We are never going to be. We’re done. I’m done” Distant. People say that he looks vague now. Lost and deprived. He has finally broken himself apart again. While they say it’s never too late. It is too late. While he tries to look for an answer; she lies in the arms of her new superhero. One who will not hesitate for a second to jump at her call of distress. Not to be troubled again for her hero had saved her. Not you Hulk. You were never going to because you were too caught up in your own world of selfish desirees(sic).
And now the dream is over.
He’s broken, a mess in silence and he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s robbed himself and left spent as he sinks to the ocean floor. He’s not fine as he constantly looks for her name on his phone as it rings out but it never appears anymore. He wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweat knowing now how she felt and how it is clearly futile. He knows is that the only thing he needs is her. His Betty Ross, maybe his Mary Jane. Jenny to his Jackie Estacado or Nancy Spungen to his Sid Vicious. How much he wishes he could open a dialog box and speak to her. How everything could just be again when he turned to her and said, "Hey you write right?"
He loves her. In his silly little heart, he hopes there are still the strains of her feelings for him to one day try for again. He wishes she won’t let him go. Please, don’t let him go. But he knows better. Nobody comes back to him. Hulk hurt her bad. Hulk is sorry. Hulk smash himself.
You were my baby girl, And I shared all your fears.
Such joy to hold you in my arms, and kiss away your tears.
But now you're gone, there's only pain and nothing I can do.
And I don't want to live this life, if I can’t live for you
I just want you to heart kiss me again.
